http://binsybaby.livejournal.com/541417.html

This is epic, babies.

I bring you this quote:

"Your pony dresses like a whore!"

I've been going through a funk. I've let a lot of things just go to hell. Like, it's a small case, but I had 50 announcement cards to send out to people for graduation and never sent them. I never even tried to get any of the addresses my parents asked me to and compile a list. Maybe that's not so bad, but I only had five invitations to mail out and I haven't even given one to the people I really want to go. :/ And don't get me started on school or cleaning my room. Uh... And I stay up late every night going through a vast range of emotions.

I've been given special circumstances with my last English course. I've been allowed to walk and "graduate," even though I haven't finished my three hours of Freshman English Language and Composition. Half of it is the compassion and understanding of the faculty at my high school. They understand my mother has breast cancer and I'm having to be there for my family a lot more than would normally be necessary. The other half of it is that I've paid 300+ dollars to take this course and just like any private school, they have special politics when it comes to dealing with students. The main problem I'm having finishing these last three hours of English include from least to greatest influence: 1. Being dragged off to do weird things by my dad. 2. Taking care of my mom. 3. Funk. ;__; I don't know. I tell myself it will be easier to finish my paper after my mom's surgery and graduation. But will it be, really? I doubt it. I will just have to do it and that's that. I have no choice.

Tomorrow is my mom's surgery. She's having a double mastectomy. I'm going to the hospital all day. I'm not sure of any of the details because I'm not keeping track of anything. ;___; Funk!

Friday is my graduation. Like, I'm not looking forward to it at all. The only thing I'm looking forward to is meeting animekenny's dad. I've never met him before and I'm quite in love with his son!

I think the reason I can't get into the senior spirit is a. my mom obviously can't go after her surgery. b. I don't know anyone of my classmates that will be graduating with me. c. high school's already over in my head. There will be no weeping "oh, now it's all over!" for me because I did that Junior year on yearbook day. I was walking around Harding thinking, "I'll never be back here again." That was goodbye enough for me. It broke my heart, it did!

Secondly, I'm worried about even going to graduation. My birthmother's written on her blog she is upset she "doesn't get to go" to my graduation. She knows where I am going to school and that I'm not at my old high school. And one of her friends encouraged her to go. So she might show up and be all, "I've always loved you and I always will love you and you can come back home, baby! Your sisters and your grandmother and all of us really miss you!" I doubt she'll even show up. I doubt further she'd approach me. If she did, I'd say, "Yeah, I know" and be cordial but then like, "OK, I'm going to go now. Bye."

I have to confess the thing that shakes me up the most is when she's not there at my graduation—when she's not there to approach me at all. I'm thinking she won't show up and it'll hurt a little, but it will mean she knows better. It means she doesn't trust herself not to hurt me.

Well, that's it. Rather long. I'm off to work.

I'm thinking about my birth mother so much these days... I need to stop.

Cheese and crackers! I saw Lucille Clifton on Family Guy today! She's an English teacher at Chris's school that wins the lottery and throws her commitment to education out the window instantly, crying, "I'm free—I'm free!" Why do I care? Lucille Clifton is one of my favorite poets. Period. I saw her in tenth grade. Hher daughter's husband works for Family Guy, so it's a really huge insider joke! :D CHEESE AND CRACKERS I GET IT!

Watched two films yesterday: Water Lillies and Son of Rambow. Water Lillies is so incredibly... uh... disturbing would be the word. It follows in the steps of Wild Tigers I Once Knew. A part of me liked it, though. Son of Rambow is one of my favorite movies now! It's so cute, for one thing, and it's first rate. If it's ever on TV, I'd have to watch it—there'd be no choice. I suggest these two. :]

Have a good week, everyone. You know I'll update pronto if anything happens... which it won't.

Awesome.


Also, my mother's surgery is next Wednesday and I graduate high school next Friday. :]

Everyone should totally see "Run Fat Boy, Run." It is one of the cutest movies you will ever see and it has a point: we avoid doing anything incredible in our lives because we're afraid. Being afraid is lousy. We hit a wall and we can either get up or keep going and the rewards are significant if we keep going—self respect being numero uno.

Here I go. I'm going to write this English bitch and get my summer on. Hell yeah! I'm going to become a woman. :]

I want to know where my time goes
I want to know what you do with it after I’m done
I want to know where it hangs out at night

And I’m not asking for it back
And I’m not saying I would know what to do with it
I just want to know where time goes

did you know he smells WONDERFUL? I'm totally intoxicated.

My dad is not the breadwinner in our family or even help as much as the average person would. It's complicated. But the thing he is not is a parasite living off my mom. He does love my mom incredibly. He's just a very messed up man. I have hope now more than ever that he will go somewhere with his music. It's really up to him and how much his demons will allow.
So when my simple little aunt came down from Canada to help out my mom through her chemotherapy and surgery, and started ragging on him about the pathetic state of our house and how much of a parasite my dad is, things didn't go well. She's so simple! She thinks my dad is some kind of evil male gigolo mooching off my mom and draining the life out of her. ;___; She started ragging on my dad so bad he was going to move out. He was thinking my aunt was going to start ragging on him to me, so he told my mom he would probably move out with me for a while. My mom started panicking, thinking he was saying he was leaving her just like that, and my aunt just let my dad have it on the phone.
In the end, my mom had to ask my aunt to leave. My mom really shouldn't have to put up with this when she's so ill. She needs love and compassion—not painful, life-draining drama.
My dad and I'll take good care of my mom. That's not the problem... It's just low, that's what it is! My aunt will never think any differently of my dad and she'll be up in Canada preaching about how much of an evil gigolo my dad is for the rest of her life. My mom might not ever see her again. ;_____; It's sad, really.
So that was last week. Just thought I'd post an update on the doll house and why the shit was hitting the fan.

Whenever I write, I'm happy. :]



( playlist to my story, also on the myspace )
instructions: hit the second button that says "pop-out player" agree and it'll appear ♥

I repeat: the shit is hitting the fan.

I will not elaborate.

To finish my English, I'm going to have to leave early in the morning and go somewhere else. I can't do anything in this house anymore. I need to be twenty thousand miles away from my Dad.

I cut my hair off today and I look it's incredibly unsexy. I'm going to grow it out till it reaches my back again.

;_; that is all.

untitled thoughts
the lines on your stomach are intimate beds
a foreign language I trace, amazed
with Napoleon’s men that studied Egypt
and the man that dug through Troy

your chest is soft and grown
with grass that’s never mowed
I can’t be close enough to your breath
or the smell of earth and spice

you’re warm and cold
so don’t tell me I’m Winter
you are Spring from head to toe

WOHOO! God, yes! Thank you! DHS is footing my mom's medical bills starting in February. I am so incredibly happy! Tomorrow she gets her last chemotherapy treatment. It's supposed to be the worst yet, but at least she'll have this good piece of news to hold onto. YES!

In other news, I'm writing a story and am head over heels in love. Velveteen follows Rayla Dean, sophomore at Pink High, who sees spirits and makes fast friends with an Elegant Gothic Lolita named Jenny Estep. Together, the two girls dabble in the occult, trying to make contact with the spirit world and perfect their abilities. At the same time, a foreign exchange student lays claim on Rayla, with mysterious motives, joining the two girls in their amateur paranormal investigations and challenging their relationship in terrifying ways.

Right now, I'm just writing summaries, but I'm so very excited about Velveteen. Writing it will be hard work! It is already turning into a challenge, but I think I won't be able to live with myself until I shut up and start writing this beast. :] Please support my efforts.

Please don't read this. :[ This is a lot of fangirling, even for me...

( breaking dawn lust )

That is all.

This is about a couple of things: animekenny, my ex-boyfriend, my child hood friend, my love life, my hopes... I'm really crushed about some things that happened the other day and wrote a pretty long entry about it. ( don't you know you're worth more than that? )

So today I got fitted for my very first contact lenses. When the staff lady tried to put my contacts in for me, it took a long time, because my eyes kept going, "Oh, no, some lady is attacking! Quick!" But when I put them in myself, it only took a few seconds. The staff was kind of patronizing, but tastefully so, more like being patient with me. "Wow! It's rare someone's able to put their own contact lenses in the first time right away!" Ha, ha. I can't believe I can see so well without my glasses. I keep wanting to put my glasses back on and feel insecure. Like, "Oh, can I really drive?" My eyes also need teardrops but I'm too lazy to go get some.
My dad took me to the mall to get sunglasses now that I can wear them. I'm not supposed to tell anyone how much they costed, but I will say they look MARVELOUS and it can't hurt to be pretentious once and a while. They're Dolce&Gabanna and polarized. I am hanging them around a string and securing them to my head at all times. And I will be insanely furious at myself when they are broken, lost, or scratched. But it will be my own fault for spoiling myself. Oh, well.
I feel really happy now. Not because of those things, but because my relationship with my dad right now is pretty good. He keeps picking away at the smallest things I do, but he also is making a lot of decisions I know will make him happy. I'm really excited about his future. I hope he is too.
Well, that's really all for now. I hope to get an introduction to the story I'm working done so I can post it up. Till then, I'll be commenting/replying/lurking in the shadows. ♡♡♡

animekenny celebrated his birthday Saturday. I cooked pasta and a salad and baked a cake. I took pictures. :] We went to Barnes&Noble and bought some books, ate at the mall, and stopped by Best Buy. It was fun. I was a terrible wreck getting his food together and getting pretty. I nearly waxed all of my eyebrows off—I would have waxed all of my eyebrows off too, if it weren't for a bottle of nail polish remover. *lulz*
I read Twilight by Stephanie Myers. It reminded me of a female Odd Thomas by Dean Koontz. I am definitely buying more books, but sometimes I felt like screaming, "stop saying those trite old things!"
In other news, the people in my house are fighting pretty horribly. It's just depressing. And I'm really stressing about my English Language and Composition. Writing a 7 page essay is turning into more than just a challenge. It shouldn't, but in this house anything can turn into a challenge.

I have to say that I love livejournal, and really appreciate all of my friends. Reading your entries lifted up my day. It sounds cheesy, but it really did. ♥♥♥

( spreading )

I told my dad I wanted to be with Kenny. I said, "I'm not sure why it ended up this way, but it has." My dad says I should just marry him, then. He's convinced. He doesn't see me letting myself succeed in college or doing well. It's a career or marriage. So I'm supposed to ask my boyfriend if he wants to get married. I'm supposed to ask if it's ok I study this or that. But I'm not going to ask my boyfriend that.
I really, really (with my whole being) want to be with Kenny. But even if he said, "Yeah, let's get married," he would be an idiot to throw away all the opportunities he has in life to live. I would rather die than trap him in something like that. My dad's given up on me going on to be a career woman. But you know... even if I'm not someone that handle's a love life well, and even if I drop the ball on some things because I'm a mess, and even if Kenny ends up leaving me for another woman—I'm going to go to college and try my best. I'm not sure